I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
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My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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