Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
