God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
