i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Life without a bra equals bliss.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
