thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
