i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i love accidental penises.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
