Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
