you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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