i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
