You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
