I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
