i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
