Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
