Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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