sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
