she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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