My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
