why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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