He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
