I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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