Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
