There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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