I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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