This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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