Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
