When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
