Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i think my cat just said my name.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
