I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
