i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
