So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She announced her abortion via fbk
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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