Small penises have feelings too.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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