So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
