listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
