I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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