Dude my mom stole all your condoms
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
