just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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