All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
