Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
