her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I know her cup size but not her name....
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
