it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
