I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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