I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
