OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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