some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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