Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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