Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
