Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So much rum. So many feels.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
