my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
