I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
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she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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