grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
