Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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