How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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