IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
