I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I don't think brook has ever known best
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
