He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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