So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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