Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
