a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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