and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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